Thoughts & Homilies

A Tribute to the Life of Anne Lonnecker
as offered by her daughter - August 29, 2003

A few weeks ago I was talking with my mother about what I should do about my job.

I said, "Mom, can you please just tell me what to do." She said, "Buffy, I have never been able to tell you what to do." I said, "I think that I really will listen this time-just tell me what I should do." Apparently she knew better and she wouldn't tell me what to do.

And then a little while later I remembered that we don't really find wisdom and guidance from listening to people-we find wisdom and guidance by watching people and how they live their lives.

My mother wasn't big on telling people what to do-especially her obstinate daughter-but her life held tremendous lessons and I would like to share some of them with you today.

First of all, there is kindness.

In a world where it is often so much easier to be disconnected and suspicious my mother lived her life with a heart full of kindness and trust in other people. Whether it was her collegues or her students or her neighbors or the grocery store clerk, my mom inherently saw the goodness in people and her first impulse was always friendliness and kindness.

For as long as I can remember my mom would get letters and notes from people that we had often never heard of thanking her for the kindness she had shown them-whether it was a hug or a smile or a visit or a sympathetic ear.

When she was in the hospital this past February she received a binder full of letters from her former kindergartners, now sixth graders. Many of them wrote about things like my mother frequently hiding treasures in the sand box and telling them that the sandman had come and left them gifts. One student wrote about how she would cry every day when her mother dropped her off at school and my mother would hold her in her lap and hug her until she stopped crying. Another student wrote about how my mother's deep compassion helped her deal with the death of her mother and how she would take her to her mother's grave. One student wrote a letter about how she had not been in my mother's class and she felt like she had missed on something so special because of how her classmates talked about my mom. One student wrote that my mother had taught him the power of kindness, and he had never forgotten it.

I know that many people here today have stories about my mother's kindness as well.

There are so many stories because these weren't individual acts of kindness for my mother, kindness was just her state of being.

Then there is her faith.

When we were growing up our lives were centered around the church- from cursillos to home masses to church on Sunday. More recently my mom was actively involved in whispering winds and her bible study group and she was in the middle of her studies at USD to get her masters degree in pastoral counseling.

She loved all of these activities and was deeply committed to the church, but the strongest manifestation of her faith was in how she walked in the world- with loving-kindness, compassion, tolerance, trust and a deep and unwavering belief in the presence of a loving god.

My mom and I had many talks about religion and I would rant and rave about stuff in the church and I would frequently be full of cynicism and doubt and my mother would hold all of the things I was feeling with tremendous care and respect. She never tried to diminish what I was feeling or explain it away and somehow, with her gentle ways, she would lead me back again to the essence of faith-which I believed not because she said but because she lived it.

If I had made a prediction about the ebb and flow of my own faith during this time as I watched my mother finish her life I would have certainly guessed that it would be at it's lowest ebb, if not non-existent. What has turned out to be true is that I have never more fully believed in the presence of god, and the reason for this is simply that my mother's faith was big enough to gather me in.

Somehow my mother made cancer holy, and to be with her during this time was to be sitting in sacred space. I will never be afraid of dying after being with my mother during this time.

Finally, there is joy.

My mom loved life. She loved being with her friends and going out to lunch and to plays and walking on the beach. She loved going on weekend trips with my dad and having breakfast together after church on Sunday. She treasured the trips that she took with her beloved sister Kathryn, including a 10-day camping trip that she was very proud of doing. She loved swimming and planting her flowers. Most of all she loved being with her family-whether it was celebrating birthdays or holidays or just hanging out at the beach together. For holidays every inch of the house would be decorated and we would always have big family meals. She made us Easter baskets every year until we were well into our twenties. We kept telling her we were too old and then one year she actually believed us and she only made baskets for the grandkids.

And the people who brought her the most joy in the world were her grandchildren. She loved playing with all of the kids-and when I say playing I don't mean that she sat and watched them play, I mean that she played with them more earnestly than any five year old. They would paint rocks and then go in the sprinklers and then read books and then play play-doh. My mom would always be exhausted when the kids left but she could never get enough of them.

When she was in the hospital a few months ago the girls would crawl in her hospital bed and lie there for hours with nana. She would tell them the stories that she had memorized from reading them so much. When chris and Jerome told Katie that nana had gone to heaven, Katie said,"but I wanted to go with her."e And of course the biggest blessing of the past few months has been Justin David-the newest member of our family. The last Sunday that she was alive Dave and Mar walked into her room with Justin. My mom was barely speaking but she looked at them and the baby and she said, "It only took you seven years."

That is how my mother walked in the world-
with kindness and compassion, with a deep and boundless faith and with a profound appreciation for all of the joy that life has to offer.

So, in memory and honor of my mother, the next time that we are feeling angry or impatient or judgmental or even just indifferent maybe we could choose kindness instead.

And the next time that we are feeling despair or worry or fear or bitterness maybe we could choose faith instead.

And finally, maybe we could learn to open our eyes and see the joy that is in our midst every day.

If we do these things, not only will my mothers spirit feel very close to us and not only will our lives be better and the lives of those around us, but we will find ourselves walking in the grace of God.

And although that might not be a place that I know how to get to myself, I know that following in my mother's footsteps will lead me there.

So today marks the end of a three-year cancer journey that so many of you have been walking with us, but more importantly, it is a celebration of my beautiful mothers life.

In honor of her I would ask that we all find joy in this day because that is my mom's legacy- she appreciated life all the time, not just when her days were dwindling, and that is what makes us worthy of this life that we have been given.

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